Posted at 5 p.m. April 24, 2017

There’s a town in Washington called George?

Editor shares his interpretation of important dates in history

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Allow me to announce right away that history has always been my worst academic subject. During grade school, I just didn’t care about either American or world history. I’ve since gained more interest in the topic, but if you were to throw out an important date — a date that changed the course of American history — I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you what happened.

People mention huge historical dates and I’ll naturally just nod along in agreement and hope they don’t ask my opinion on whatever they’re about. They’ll ask what I think about some event, and it will just suddenly hit me that, while they were talking to me about boring history, I was thinking about something more important like what I’ll have for dinner or how cute that dog I saw earlier was.

Anyway, I’ve made a decision to better educate myself and learn more about history. But first, I think it’d be fun to share my nonsensical understanding of major events in history. I’d imagine this will be a little like Comedy Central’s TV show, “Drunk History.” The main difference is I’m not drunk; I’m just stupid.

The Watergate Scandal:

Oh yes, I remember the Watergate Scandal like it was yesterday. Technically, I wasn’t born yet, but that’s irrelevant. This scandal happened while Richard Nixon was in the White House, so this was around the 50s or something; I don’t know, whatever.

This scandal involved Nixon’s Administration covering up their acts of destroying major dams throughout the country. They referred to dams as watergates. Nixon’s Administration agreed that in order to effectively solve thirst in America, they’d destroy the dams which were selfishly keeping all the water contained and away from the American people.

The Administration hired civilians to plant explosives undercover on various dams around the country, which could all be detonated remotely. After the detonations, Nixon made a televised appearance claiming the events were the result of terrorist attacks.

The American people believed Nixon’s claims for about a week until one of the hired civilians told the press about the undercover operations. This caused an uproar of protests against Nixon; people demanded explanations.

Nixon answered the American people by announcing his administration’s plans to solve thirst.

“I mean, dudes, come on,” Nixon said. “We were just looking out for y’all, but whatevs.”

After this televised announcement, Nixon resigned as president, and Gerald Ford was sworn into office.

Louisiana Purchase:

The Louisiana Purchase happened in 1835, and it was actually something many Americans weren’t even aware was going on.

Simply put, the Louisiana Purchase began and concluded within two minutes in the capital of Louisiana, Baton Rouge. There were several statewide announcements by the governor of Louisiana at the time, Jacques Villeré, advertising an auction to be held in the State Capitol Park.

Louisiana residents didn’t know what was going to be auctioned, but hundreds of people gathered for the event in hopes for the opportunity to buy a nice plate or a cure for polio.

When the auction officially began, Villeré declared there was only one item to be auctioned. Much to the residents’ surprise, the item was the entire state of Louisiana.

“Vous pouvez acheter la Louisiane pour un petit prix de 18 millions de dollars,” Villeré said.

Unfortunately, the governor at the time was French, so no one understood him. But roughly translated, he said, “you may purchase Louisiana for a small price of $18 million.”

Residents were silent, as no one knew what he was talking about. That was until a man from the crowd shouted out, “I will purchase Louisiana!”

That man was U.S. President Thomas Jefferson. Conveniently enough, Jefferson could speak French.

After purchasing Louisiana, Jefferson threw Villeré out of office and swore in Thomas B. Robertson as the new governor.

Boston Tea Party:

The Boston Tea Party happened in 1773. America had not yet signed the Declaration of Independence, so the British were all up in their business like, “Hey what’s going on, Americans? What are you having for dinner? Can I come over? Cool, I’ll take your silence as a yes.”

Frankly, America was getting annoyed with the British showing up uninvited all the time, but America wasn’t going to say anything.

The British started to become aware of America’s opinions of them, so they thought of ways they could just help everyone get along. They eventually came to the conclusion they’d give America a free shipment of tea as a gift and send a mass invitation for the biggest tea party the world has ever seen.

America was very appreciative of the gift, and organized a massive tea party event in Boston. Thousands of people attended the party and everyone got along in the end.

Some people may tell you the Boston Tea Party wasn’t a happy event, but I can tell you it was essentially exactly like it sounded; it was a big tea party in Boston. Everyone involved had a great time.

That concludes this edition of Hamel’s history lessons. I hope you’ve learned a lot about these big days in history, or at the very least, got frustrated enough with my incoherent rambling to look up what really happened.


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